By Rabbi Paul Kipnes

 

As parents, we spend years mastering the art of raising children—guiding, protecting, and nurturing them through childhood and adolescence. Then, seemingly overnight, they become adults. And just like that, the parenting paradigm shifts dramatically. While we may have become experts at teaching toddlers to share or teens to drive safely, the skills required for parenting adult children are entirely different. This transition calls for intentional work, a shift in mindset, and the humility to admit that we, too, are still in.

A New Phase of Parenting Adult Children
Parenting adult children is a sacred yet challenging endeavor. Unlike the command-and-control dynamics of their youth, these new relationships thrive on mutual respect, partnership, and trust. Yet, making this transition is no small task. I know because I’ve been there myself.

When our three children entered adulthood, I had to confront some uncomfortable truths about my own parenting. The strategies that worked when they were younger no longer applied. Even though I co-wrote a book with my wife, Michelle November, Jewish Spiritual Parenting: Wisdom, Activities, Rituals and Prayers for Raising Children with Spiritual Balance and Emotional Wholeness (available on Amazon), I still needed to recalibrate. I had to let go of my role as the all-knowing guide and instead embrace the role of a supportive partner.

This required inner work: reflecting on my assumptions, managing my anxieties, and learning to truly listen without rushing to fix or advise. It wasn’t always easy, but it has been profoundly rewarding. Today, I cherish the deeper, more authentic connections I now share with my adult children. Still, even with this foundation, the work of parenting adult children continues to challenge and transform me.

Challenging from the Beginning
The Torah provides powerful examples of family dynamics—too often, dysfunctional ones. From Isaac and Rebecca’s inability to parent Jacob and Esau in a way that fostered unity to Jacob’s struggles to manage relationships with and between his children, Genesis reveals how unresolved tensions and poor communication can fracture families. These stories serve as cautionary tales for us as we strive to transform our relationships with our adult children.

Do we want to perpetuate patterns of control and conflict? Or will we strive to create relationships rooted in love, respect, and understanding? The work of building healthy relationships with our adult children is the antidote to these ancient family struggles. It’s a spiritual practice grounded in humility, compassion, and the willingness to grow.

A Guide for Parenting Adult Children
In his book Parenting Adult Children: Loving Your Children in Ways That Work for Them, Steven Freedman offers invaluable insights into this delicate phase of parenting. Freedman encourages us to shift our focus from parenting at our children to being present with them. He reminds us that our role is no longer to direct their lives but to walk alongside them, offering support when asked and space when needed.

Freedman’s wisdom has been a guiding light for me personally, and it inspires the new efforts of the Or Ami Center for Jewish Parenting. At Or Ami, we recognize that learning to parent adult children is one of the most significant—and often overlooked—challenges of Jewish family life today. That’s why we are focusing on this work, offering resources and programs to help parents navigate this complex terrain.

Debbi Molnar’s Course for Parenting Adult Children
I am thrilled to share that Debbi Molnar, a gifted therapist and life coach, is leading a new course specifically designed for parents of adult children. This four-session course, Opening Doors: How to Talk to Your Adult Children about Things That Matter Most (learn more and register here), is a wonderful opportunity to learn and practice the skills needed to nurture these evolving adult relationships.

Through thoughtful discussions and practical exercises, Debbi helps parents explore how to communicate more effectively, set healthy boundaries, and celebrate the joys of this new chapter. If you’ve ever struggled to figure out your place in your adult child’s (or grandchild’s) life—or if you simply want to deepen your connection—this course is for you. Debbi’s wisdom will guide us to embrace this sacred work with confidence and compassion.

The Joys of Transformation
As challenging as it can be to adapt to this new phase of parenting adult children, it is also deeply joyful. When we approach our adult children with curiosity instead of control, respect instead of judgment, we open the door to relationships filled with mutual love and understanding.

For me, this journey has been transformative. My adult children are no longer just “my kids.” They are vibrant, independent individuals with their own wisdom and experiences to share. I have learned as much from them as they have from me, and our relationships have become a source of profound joy and gratitude.

Parenting adult children is not about relinquishing our role; it’s about redefining it. It’s about stepping into the sacred work of growth and transformation—both theirs and ours. Let’s embark on this journey together, learning from the Torah’s wisdom, Freedman’s insights, and Debbi Molnar’s guidance.

May we create families of blessing for generations to come.