Rabbi Paul Kipnes Archives - Congregation Or Ami

Thanksgiving: Don’t Let Political Disruptions Ruin Your Dinner

By Rabbi Paul Kipnes

“Rabbi, help! Thanksgiving’s approaching and we have relatives whose positions differ from my own—on what’s happening between Israel and Hamas, on the necessity or not for a ceasefire, on the recent election, on the morality of what’s happening in our country and the world. How do I keep our Thanksgiving table from erupting into a food fight?”

So many people have called or texted me, sharing similar concerns. Recognizing that family dynamics can be complex—the Biblical book of Genesis is filled with dysfunction in families—and that many are struggling with the current situation, I suggest we proactively foster an environment of understanding.

A Framework for the Holiday

This Thanksgiving arrives in the aftermath of a brutal massacre, in the midst of a difficult war, following a draining American election. The numbers of the dead and injured—among Israelis and among Palestinians—are staggering. Concern for the remaining 101 hostages is overpowering. The aftermath of the election left some feeling elated, others exasperated, and everyone exhausted. The emotions we feel about all this are intense.

In the midst of this comes Thanksgiving, a family gathering during which we each bring to the table our hopes and expectations, as well as disappointments, disagreements, and traumas from previous gatherings (and/or a lifetime of living together). Old family dynamics intensify, and new personal perspectives about who we are and what we believe can easily cause clashes. Many of these challenges are unspoken, lying just beneath the surface, ready to erupt when someone says something that stings. Being aware of these allows us to step back from the brink.

Moreover, holidays mean different things to different people. Some people approach holidays with an excitement for gathering together. Others arrive with an abundance of anxiety, often frustrated that we are one person in the world but during family gatherings become (or are expected to be) another. Balancing “the old me” with who I am now can be difficult when back with family. All of us too easily push other people’s buttons or have our buttons pushed. And then we react.

Suggestions for Surviving and Thriving

Be a non-anxious presence: Be mindful of past hurts and frustrations that you or others may carry. Recognize that every family has its unique dynamics—some may enjoy spirited debates, while others prefer a more harmonious atmosphere. Try to model holding space for gratitude over contentiousness, and others may follow your lead.

Intentionality: Set for yourself a kavannah (intention) of kindness for the primary value you want to govern your Thanksgiving experience. Encourage others to do the same. Let this value be foremost in your mind. Perhaps it’s honoring a deceased parent’s memory for the family to be together, or being a role model, or ensuring shalom bayit (peace in the home). If frustrations arise, stay focused on that intention.

Ritual: Organize a ritual that encourages reflection on hoda’ah (gratitude), shifting the focus toward shared experiences and positive moments. Because Thanksgiving has very little ritual attached to it, it too easily can be filled with arguments and additional drinking. Let guests know ahead of time about the ritual and what they might think about in preparation. Perhaps ask: “What are you most thankful for this year?” Or “What one person—outside of the political realm—are you most thankful for having in your life and why?”

Set Expectations: Predetermine when, where, and how long discussions of antisemitism and the war may happen. Some families love to argue. Some individuals hate it. Many people don’t fight fair. You can decide: No politics during dinner. No discussions after dinner. Two drink maximum. Everyone is loved so no name-calling.

Kindness (chesed): Remember the words of Rabbi Hillel: “What is hateful to you, do not do to others.” Let this principle guide your interactions, promoting harmony even when opinions differ. When the inevitable comment occurs that causes your blood to begin to boil, take 5 breaths before responding. Decide if you really even need to respond or should.

Save the world… tomorrow: Today, choose to be with family. Pirkei Avot teaches: Lo alecha ham’lacha ligmor (you don’t have to complete the work). Remember, the war and antisemitism itself will not be stopped or solved by what happens at this table. Few of us will change another’s mind over a Thanksgiving dinner, so perhaps we can postpone those discussions for another time, if at all. You can choose family over ideology for one holiday. Allow your Thanksgiving table to be a space where love and connection prevail over discord.

Alcohol: A gentle reminder to monitor your and others’ alcohol intake, as it can influence the tone of our interactions. Drink responsibly and encourage others to do the same.

Intentionality breeds better behaviors: Talk about this before guests arrive and make sure everyone knows what’s expected.

May our celebrations be filled with joy, understanding, and a commitment to the values that bind us together.

Wishing you a joyous and peaceful Thanksgiving,

The Soundtrack of Our Souls

By Rabbi Paul Kipnes

At Congregation Or Ami, music sits at the heart of our community, a sacred thread that weaves together worship, learning, and connection. Jewish music—ancient and modern—resonates deeply within us, transforming prayer into a spiritual journey and uniting us as one. It is a soundtrack that echoes the rhythms of Jewish life, carrying us through seasons of joy, mourning, and reflection.

The power of music lies in its ability to speak to the soul. Each melody, from the ancient strains of Kol Nidre to the contemporary harmonies of Oseh Shalom, tells a story of our people—of resilience, longing, and hope. As the Psalmist wrote, “Sing to God a new song, for God has done wondrous things” (Psalm 98:1). At Or Ami, we celebrate that wonder through music that is not just an accompaniment to worship, but central to how we experience holiness and the Holy One. Our vibrant musical tradition reflects our mission to embrace a wide diversity of sounds that speak uniquely to every soul.

We fill our sanctuary with melodies that inspire. The harmonies of our soloists, the artistry of our musicians, and the passionate leadership of our rabbis combine to create a spiritual atmosphere where each note becomes a prayer. But our commitment to Jewish music goes beyond the familiar; we are always expanding our musical menu to embrace the rich diversity of Jewish sounds.

Contemporary composers have brought new vitality to Jewish music, and at Or Ami, we celebrate their contributions. From the soul-stirring lyrics of Debbie Friedman to the dynamic energy of Dan Nichols, and from the uplifting compositions of Elana Arian to the playful innovations of Elana Jagoda, these artists offer fresh perspectives on our tradition. By embracing these along with traditional melodies, we ensure that Jewish music remains alive and relevant for generations to come.

Or Ami’s evolving repertoire reflects the richness of Jewish life. At one moment, the spiritually-stirring strains of Mi Shebeirach and Heal Us Now bring comfort and healing; at another, the rousing chorus of V’shamru or Hashkiveinu inspire joyful participation. Each melody invites us into a different emotional space, deepening our connection to the liturgy and to one another.

Tonight, Friday, November 22, we have a special opportunity to explore the transformative power of Jewish music. As part of our Cantorial Scholar in Residence program, Cantor Kerith Spencer-Shapiro, along with songleader Micah Bernhard, will guide us on a journey through the Mi Chamocha singing five different musical settings. Together, we will discover how different melodies and interpretations speak uniquely to our souls, helping us find new paths to spiritual connection.

This evening is an invitation to immerse ourselves in music that defines a community. Whether you are moved by the timeless chants of our ancestors or the fresh sounds of today’s Jewish artists, you will surely find something that resonates.

At Or Ami, music is more than a tradition; it is our way of coming closer to God, to one another, and to the beauty of our heritage. As the Psalms remind us, “Let everything that has breath praise the Holy One. Hallelujah!” (Psalm 150:6). Let us continue to sing, to listen, and to celebrate the soundtrack of our souls.

Facing Down Your Fears

By Rabbi Paul Kipnes

What a world we live in!?! Pogrom in Amsterdam. War in the Middle East. A pivotal election that left some elated and others heartbroken. Financial fears. Mental health worries. Antisemitism. Concerns for our children and our parents. Worries about ourselves. Whenever far-reaching changes are on the horizon, we worry about what might be.

Thousands of years ago, facing his own fears, the author of the Psalms, our Biblical ancestor, worried too. Like us, the Psalmist cried out (Ps. 121): Esa einai el heharim, mei-ayin yavo ezri? I lift up my eyes to the mountains, from where will come my help? Yes, he recognized, these are challenging times for so many of us. So easy to become despondent, demoralized, dismayed. To feel like there is no hope.

The Psalmist refused to be frozen in his fear. He knew, in his kishkes (his guts) that he was not alone. His answer was simple: Ezri mei-eem Adonai, oseh shamayim va’aretz. My help will come from God, Maker of heaven and earth. (Listen to Jewish Composer Dan Nichol’s setting of this sentiment.) Yes, the future feels dark, he sensed. Yes, we worry, he knew. But God implanted within us the seed of our salvation: hope. We Jews, in the face of fear, cling to hope.

Rebecca Slonit wrote, “Hope is not a lottery ticket you can sit on the sofa and clutch, feeling lucky. It is an axe you break down doors with in an emergency. Hope should shove you out the door, because it will take everything you have to steer the future away from [what you fear]… To hope is to give yourself to the future – and that commitment to the future is what makes the present inhabitable.”

Noah and his wife Na’ama, facing down fear, took that axe of hope and built an ark. It wasn’t quick; it took quite a long time. Yet they persevered. And then, instead of letting exhaustion get the better of them, Noah and Na’ama continued on, bringing in the animals two by two, filling the ark for the future. When we feel fear – for whatever reason – refuse to despair. Instead let’s recommit ourselves to be like Noah and Na’ama: We will reclaim and redeem our lives, and our world, two by two, by taking two hopeful acts each day…

Remember, most everyone, everywhere, is looking out at our country and the world, and for their own reasons (some similar to yours, some very, very different), is feeling some combination of worry and weariness, anxiousness and anticipation. There are plenty of reasons for that.

Still feeling like there is no hope? Watch this video in which I remind you about the Jewish secret to finding hope. (It begins with the awareness that hopelessness is not a Jewish notion, as the word does not even exist in the Jewish lexicon.) And we will do what Jews and Jewish families always do. We will hold hands, feel the Presence of a Power greater than one individual, and together, we will swing that axe of hope and find a way through. Take a look, and let’s talk.

Or Ami: On Disneyland and Dearly Departed Hostages

Dear Or Ami,

Nothing illuminates the juxtaposition of opposites like walking through the “happiest place on earth” while simultaneously drafting a message to our Or Ami community about the brutal murder by Hamas of six beautiful souls in the tunnels under Gaza.

My wife Michelle November and I were spending the long day (7am-9pm) with twenty-seven 7th and 8th graders and our youth team – Or Ami’s Youth Engagement Coordinator Andrew Fromer, Rabbi Lana Zilberman Soloway, and Kesher Assistant Principal Brooke Botwinick – on our annual bonding trip through Disneyland. We rabbis join the trip for the express purpose of building relationships with a group who soon become BMitzvah, embarking on the first steps on the path toward Jewish adulthood. We hope that before most of the students dive deeply into the traditional troika – of Torah chanting, D’var Torah crafting, and perfecting their prayer-leading – that they will deepen their connections with their clergy. After all, while the simcha (celebration) of BMitzvah happens in a day, we aim to create relationships with their rabbis that last a lifetime.

(Ask me sometime about the texts we get: from teens needing help getting out of a party, the college students seeking support when their friends are descending into drug addiction, or the young adults yearning for a sense of meaning amidst the devastating assault of explosive antisemitism. The texts continue to come in from our alumni asking for assistance long after they or even their families leave Or Ami.)

Yet this year, as our pre-teens amble carefree through Disneyland, their rabbis – alongside them asking questions about their likes and dislikes, their lives, hopes, and dreams – are also whispering in hushed tones about what to say to an adult community reeling from the latest news. While in line at Thunder Mountain, we are thinking about which words will address the barrage of emotions exploding within us.

Floating through It’s a Small World, I am anything but calm considering how a relatively small Jewish world is so devastated and demoralized at the grief now engrossing the parents and families of Hersh Goldberg-Polin, 23, Eden Yerushalmi, 24, Ori Danino, 25, Alex Lubnov, 32, and Almog Sarusi, 27, and Carmel Gat – the six murdered hostages.

In the darkness of Pirates of the Caribbean, I am slumping in my own sadness, while simultaneously ruminating about what the community needs to consider as we all process these emotions and what actions we can take that have meaning in the moment.

Taking a break after a caffeine-fueled, fried food feeding frenzy (that others call “lunch”), Michelle and I meandered in the relative calmness of Mickey’s Toon Town as I edited a draft of an email to elevate the turmoil within into words of disbelief, solace, and consolation. And then we rush back to bond again with these beautiful souls who are our 7th and 8th graders.

These young ones are our hope and our future. The prophet Joel said (in words that Jewish composer Debbie Friedman paraphrased as), “The old shall dream dreams but the youth shall see visions.” On the cusp of adulthood, these wondrous young ones are still struggling with how they fit in, who they want to be, and what kind of world they will inherit. They understand that antisemitism is on the rise and Israel is embroiled in something really destructive. This worries them.

They also wonder how they will win their next video game, if they will get a good role in the musical production, and whether the acne making its appearance all over their once smooth skin will ameliorate their social status and undermine their self-esteem. Together we are fantasizing about helping the Jedi in the Star Wars rides defeat the Empire, figuring out how to have fun amidst the pressures of schoolwork, and strategizing to better get along with parents and siblings. We all – rabbis, staff, and students – are laughing at silly jokes and ice cream melting all over us, even as we rabbis are quietly offering edits to the email that will go out once our Communications Manager gets back to her computer at home.

The congregational email, finally finished, goes out (read it here). The pre-teens’ energy, exhausted from exploring the far reaches of Disneyland, finally peters out. And our youth leaders decide to lead their charges back to the bus.

After hugs and goodbyes and promises to see each other soon at our Makom Teen nights, Michelle and I are zapped – from listening, and talking, and traipsing to and fro, and waiting in line, and riding the rides, and forming a coherent message all while also holding onto intense emotions coursing through our heads and hearts.

When our heads finally hit the pillows at home, we are hearts-soaring with simcha (joy) at relationships deepened with Or Ami’s youth and also hearts-heavy with sadness for the families of the murdered hostages.

It’s a juxtaposition of opposites. Might our presence at Disneyland plant a seed to help these youth in the future? I hope so.

Might our words in the email provide a measure of comfort and a few options for concrete ways to act? I hope so too.

Sometimes we act and then when there’s little else to do, we hope. As Jon Polin, father of murdered hostage Hersh Goldberg-Polin said at his son’s funeral, Od lo avda tikvateinu, our hope is not yet lost to bring home the remaining hostages and for peace. So, hope we will.

Laila tov. Good night.

Rabbi Paul Kipnes

P.S. Consider attending this Or Ami-supported Eleven Month Rally.

Or Ami: Hearts Broken as We Remember the Hostages

Dear Or Ami,

As a community, we are shaken with grief over the horrific news that six hostages were savagely murdered in captivity by Hamas terrorists. Five of the hostages – Hersh Goldberg-Polin, 23, Eden Yerushalmi, 24, Ori Danino, 25, Alex Lubnov, 32, and Almog Sarusi, 27, were abducted from the Nova music festival. The sixth, Carmel Gat, 40, was taken from Kibbutz Be’eri.

For 330 days, since the massacre by Hamas on October 7 and throughout the horrific months of violence, trauma, and uncertainty that followed, the families of Israeli hostages have refused to give up hope that their loved ones would return home alive.

These young people were loved deeply in this world. They should be alive today, home with their families.

Last night we learned that these six hostages, who survived nearly a year in Hamas captivity, were murdered in a tunnel in Rafah. They did not “die” as some news outlets are reporting. They were, it has now been confirmed by forensic autopsies, shot by Hamas at close range, executed in cold blood, so as not to be rescued by approaching IDF troops.

Our hearts break for their loved ones. The pain their families are enduring, have endured, and will have to live with is unimaginable.

Let the world recognize that Hamas is a terrorist organization whose heinous actions know no boundaries. Let the world leaders join together to force the leaders of Hamas to return all of the remaining hostages and surrender, so that this war – brutal to Palestinians, to Israelis, and to all people in the region – might swiftly come to an end. And may Israel recommit to being an Or Lagoyim, a light to the nations, shining a way forward with hope and peace.

May the memories of Hersh, Carmel, Alex, Eden, Ori and Almog reverberate as a blessing in this world for generations to come, inspiring us to strive always toward greater humanity. Toward justice. Toward peace.

The Jewish community is gathering throughout the week to remember and to mourn. Or Ami will offer special prayers of memory at Shabbat services on Friday night(9/6) and during the Rosh Chodesh Women’s Gathering (Tuesday, 9/3).

If you are looking for something concrete to do, invite a non-Jewish friend or two, to join you at the Nova Exhibit in Culver City, so they too can be more informed and become witnesses to the horror that is October 7th.

As always, your rabbis are here to listen, commiserate, and console, as we join with good people everywhere to mourn this tragedy.

Rabbi Paul Kipnes

Rabbi Lana Zilberman Soloway